To be perfectly honest, I have no idea where I want this blog to go. Right now it’s just a convenient repository for all the work I’ve done in the past. A way to share what I’ve done with my life so far. Which, admittedly, is not a ton. But there’s the question: where do I go from here?
Do I want to use this blog to write? To talk about serious topics? To make jokes and share silly stories? Even beyond that…do I care if anyone sees this blog? The main draw right now is to create something that I can look back over easily and take inventory of how I’ve changed, grown, challenged myself (or not). A chronicle of my life, so to speak. The fact that this is a public forum…has its advantages and disadvantages. It encourages me to share, to put my best foot forward, but writing for an audience is different than writing for yourself. I am not the best of myself. I’m inconsistent and awkward, indecisive and vain, among other flaws. I don’t often choose to make my flaws irrevocably known (even now you may have doubts, am I being honest or modest?). Consciousness of an audience may lead me simply to put on an act, to manipulate the perceived reader, to seem better than I am. Then again, every time I write, I’m conscious of a reader, even though the reader is most often just myself in the future. Everything written has the potential to be read. There’s a draw in that.
Beyond that, I know I’m not the greatest writer. I am unflinchingly honest about my abilities and more often than not, I find them lacking. So is it perhaps vanity to expose my work to the public, as though I believe it has a right to be seen and admired? I do confess to a hope of recognition, be it through admiration or criticism. But I admit to its unlikelihood.
Well, in the end, its this unlikelihood that helps me on. I can freely be honest, challenge myself and fail, write meandering posts that appeal to an audience that doesn’t exist…and be fine. Nobody cares. Blogging is the oddest soliloquy. Anyone can hear you if they choose, but most people have better things to do than choose.
I guess I’ve come to the end of my meandering soliloquy. It’s come up a few times in earlier posts but I repeat it here: never back down from a challenge. Who knows what this blog will become, if it even becomes anything. For now, it’s a challenge and that’s enough.