A: How much do you know about things?
B: Things? Everything. I’m an expert.
A: Yes. Me too. But I know far more than you.
B: Oh really? Well since I know everything about things, I definitely know more than you.
A: I doubt that. I am the eminent leader on things. I’m the top of the field.
B: If that’s so, why did Things and Things magazine name me “Most Influential Scholar on Things of the Century”?
A: That magazine is trash.
B: Why I never…!
A: Everyone knows it’s disreputable. Now, I have the very much reputable National Board of Things Scholars accolades behind me.
B: Well, I can assure you, I know everything about things.
A: But I know far more than everything about things. Much more than everything.
B: Oh yeah? Do you know about Smorgledorfs?
A: Of course.
B: (aside) Drat. (To A) Ok. Fair enough. (Slyly) Well, what about…things?
B: Hah! Got you there! You can’t know everything about things if you don’t know about things!
A: It’s such an inconsequential thing…
B: But it’s still a part. Therefore, you don’t know everything about things. The National Board of Scholars on Things must be run by crackpots.
A: Things Scholars! The National Board of Things Scholars! And it’s not run by crackpots.
A: And what about you? Do you know anything on…Mizzlebrams?
B: Essentially everything.
A: And Treetopturtles?
B: Don’t make me laugh. Yes, of course.
A: How about Spallwaffles?
(Pause as both glare at each other)
A: Hmm. Well, let me ask you this: what do you know about…things?
B: (gasps) You have the gall to ask me that?
A: Just answer the question.
B: I…well, know is such a strong word…
A: Nothing! You know nothing about things. Hah hah, I knew that magazine was disreputable.
B: Oh, so I have to know about things to be an expert on things? That’s rich. Most people don’t know anything about things and I know everything there is to know about the subject, except things. That’s all.
A: How the mighty have fallen.
B: Hey, let’s go back to you. You know nothing about things too!
A: But I know more nothing than you.
B: No, I know more nothing.
A: I’ll have you know I went to the Grand Academy for Things Research for four years to learn nothing about things. Therefore, I know far more nothing than you.
B: Oh yeah? Well, I was rated top of my class in knowing nothing about things.
A: And which school was that?
B: The Best School.
A: I still know more nothing.
B: No, I do. I know so much nothing, I can write trillions of books on nothing.
A: I’ve forgotten more nothing than you will ever hope to not know.
B: I know more nothing.
A: No, I do!
B: No, I do!
A: NO, I DO!
(Both A and B start going around in circles yelling “No, I do” louder and louder. Curtain closes on this)