Things

A: How much do you know about things?

B: Things? Everything. I’m an expert.

A: Yes. Me too. But I know far more than you.

B: Oh really? Well since I know everything about things, I definitely know more than you.

A: I doubt that. I am the eminent leader on things. I’m the top of the field.

B: If that’s so, why did Things and Things magazine name me “Most Influential Scholar on Things of the Century”?

A: That magazine is trash.

B: Why I never…!

A: Everyone knows it’s disreputable. Now, I have the very much reputable National Board of Things Scholars accolades behind me.

B: Well, I can assure you, I know everything about things.

A: But I know far more than everything about things. Much more than everything.

B: Oh yeah? Do you know about Smorgledorfs?

A: Of course.

B: Bizzlebops?

A: Certainly.

B: Stuffs?

A: Definitely.

B: (aside) Drat. (To A) Ok. Fair enough. (Slyly) Well, what about…things?

A: Why…I…

B: Hah! Got you there! You can’t know everything about things if you don’t know about things!

A: It’s such an inconsequential thing…

B: But it’s still a part. Therefore, you don’t know everything about things. The National Board of Scholars on Things must be run by crackpots.

A: Things Scholars! The National Board of Things Scholars! And it’s not run by crackpots.

(B scoffs)

A: And what about you? Do you know anything on…Mizzlebrams?

B: Essentially everything.

A: And Treetopturtles?

B: Don’t make me laugh. Yes, of course.

A: How about Spallwaffles?

B: Absolutely.

(Pause as both glare at each other)

A: Hmm. Well, let me ask you this: what do you know about…things?

B: (gasps) You have the gall to ask me that?

A: Just answer the question.

B: I…well, know is such a strong word…

A: Nothing! You know nothing about things. Hah hah, I knew that magazine was disreputable.

B: Oh, so I have to know about things to be an expert on things? That’s rich. Most people don’t know anything about things and I know everything there is to know about the subject, except things. That’s all.

A: How the mighty have fallen.

B: Hey, let’s go back to you. You know nothing about things too!

A: But I know more nothing than you.

B: No, I know more nothing.

A: I’ll have you know I went to the Grand Academy for Things Research for four years to learn nothing about things. Therefore, I know far more nothing than you.

B: Oh yeah? Well, I was rated top of my class in knowing nothing about things.

A: And which school was that?

B: The Best School.

A: I still know more nothing.

B: No, I do. I know so much nothing, I can write trillions of books on nothing.

A: I’ve forgotten more nothing than you will ever hope to not know.

B: I know more nothing.

A: No, I do!

B: No, I do!

A: NO, I DO!

B: NO!

A: I!

B: DO!

(Both A and B start going around in circles yelling “No, I do” louder and louder. Curtain closes on this)

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