Adventures in Pretending to Be Foreign

Scene 1

Outside public restroom

(Man shown from waist up, looks from side to side, shrugs, enters room. Screams heard from within, man is pushed out. Camera swings to reveal sign for women’s washroom)

M: (Scottish accent) What? I’m Scottish!

(Man walks away shaking head and muttering. Camera pans down revealing kilt.)

Scene 2

Outside bar

(Bouncer stops a man, asks for his ID)

M: (Australian accent) Just got back from safari mate, don’t got ID.

B: No ID?

M: Well, I was walking down this river and crikey, saw me a huge croc. I wrestled it down into the water and got a hold of its head. Choked the life right out of it. Then I look to the shore in victory and crikey, a kangaroo.

B: A kangaroo?

M: Yes mate. Biggest one I ever seen. It reached the shore where I left my jacket and crikey mate, the kanga stole my ID!

B: It what?

M: Straight up stole it. Biggest kangaroo I ever seen. That’s why I don’t got any ID. So can I go into the bar now?

Scene 3

Outside bar

(Bouncer stops man, asks for ID. Throughout this scene, the man makes long speeches and tries to walk past the bouncer while he’s telling them)

M: (British accent) Why I never? You’re asking this old chap for ID? I haven’t been asked that since 1965, at the height of the Great Depression. Not that one, the other one. I was a young lad going to a bar not unlike this one, except this one had a jukebox. Sold songs at ten a penny. Not good songs but we could dance all night to them. Anyway, I was at this bar…

B: Sir, I’ll still need to see some ID.

M: That’s the devil of the matter you see, I haven’t got any. I don’t drive anymore you see. The roads are too dangerous. Not like they were in 1912, those were the days. I was a young lad, about to get on the Titanic but my car broke down and I…

B: Sir. I still need ID. Do you have a passport?

M: No, no, I haven’t left the country in years. Not since I served in the Crimean War, those were the days…

B: A health card will do.

M: Don’t need one. I hold out no hopes for my health ever since I came down with the Black Plague during one particularly cold day in London, 1349. It was snowing, well misting really, it never snows in London. I was drinking my tea and…

B: Sir, you can’t go in there. If you don’t have ID, you’ll have to leave.

M: What? Kick an old man out on this cold day? Why, I’ve seen nothing like it since they sent those three nice wise men out into the chill one Christmas day. Ah, yes, I was but a young lad then, fresh and full of pip. Yes those were the days…

(Bouncer sighs)

Scene 4

(Bouncer stops a man, asks for his ID)

M: Will you take safari ID? Just back from Africa, don’t have anything else on me.

B: (rolls eyes) Fine.

(Man pulls out piece of paper, hands it to bouncer)

B: This…this is clearly a piece of paper you drew on.

M: No, it’s not. It’s my safari ID. See, it’s written at the top.

B: You clearly forged this. And not very well.

M: Didn’t.

B: You clearly did. This is the shoddiest thing I’ve ever seen.

M: What? Are you a racist?

B: No, I…what?!

M: These Africans try so hard and you just put them down, all because they don’t have the same fancy ID making machines you and I do. You should be ashamed sir.

B: What? No!

M: This is an outrage. I expect better in a multicultural city like this one. You’ll be lucky if I don’t report this to your boss. Good day sir.

(Grabs ID and storms into the bar with a huff. Bouncer sighs.)

Scene 4

Inside bar

(Man approaches woman)

M: (seductively) You know, I’m Viking. That’s means I can kidnap you and it’s ok. (winks)

(Woman signals to security, man quickly runs off)

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